Swimmin' with the Wimmin'

So, the Olympics has started in London and everyone's mind is turning to all things sporty. 

Mine isn't.  Even though I've watched a lot of gymnastics (and fencing, swimming and... actually that's it, so far).  If I could back-flip, I have a feeling that I would never walk again.  A normal trip to the corner shop for a pint of milk would be a very different experience.  Or if I'd gone on a dead long walk and my legs got tired, I'd just walk on my hands instead.  I'd be triple somersaulting all over the flippin' (ha! see what I did there?!) place.  It must be nice to be a natural athlete.

The E Word keeps rearing its ugly head and I keep on avoiding it like the plague.  Due to my lack of car I do walk nearly everywhere - at least two miles a day, but I'm really starting to get the feeling that I have to do more.  I have arms that need unwobbling.  I have curves that need to look more curvy and less lumpy.  I have core muscles that need... er... coring. 

I'm bored already.  Exercise is for people without the capability to watch sport on television, surely?

I blame the plethora of exercise that's going on in the country right now.  Us sedentary chaps and chapesses are being made to feel guilty.  Look.  Some of us - like Bruce Springsteen - were born to run.  Some of us were born to get public transport instead - like me.

I keep being advised to take up swimming, but I feel this is the last thing I ought to do. For a start it will unquestionably involve, at some stage, the concept of me in a swimming costume. There is probably no sight more repugnant to the human race. Even the thought of it makes my blood run cold. Nobody needs to see that!  Eeesh!!!  The other problem with swimming is that I can't swim.  Which really is a problem that far exceeds any self-hate issues I happen to have running in conjunction with my lack of ability.  Besides, I'd end up with shoulders the size of a small child.  I don't need another hang-up about my physical appearance, thank you - I already have enough for two lifetimes!!

There'll be an activity out there that has my name on it.  Something that doesn't involve going outside, is a well known source of aerobic exercise and is utterly enjoyable and with purpose.  I know what you're all thinking.  And you're right.  I should really start dancing round the living room!  (What?!  What were you thinking?!)

I've been very good this weekend.  I've eaten a lot but it's all been the right sort of stuff.  I've also done a ton of decorating and loads more walking than usual.  That ought to do something for certain muscle groups.  Dunno what, like, but it ought to - I'm knackered.  It should at least improve my karate.  I've seen the Karate Kid (I'm referring to the real one and not the abysmal remake that Jackie Chan basically spent the whole film looking apologetic for.  And this is from the man who made Shanghai Knights!), I know how it works.  I bet I'm an expert now - I could take on ALL the Cobra Kai team and batter 'em!!  Just try coming at me!  Try it!! 

Actually - don't.  I'll most likely scream hysterically, fall to the floor and assume the foetal position.

I don't know what to think about the weight-loss thing at the moment, though.  It seems to me, whenever I think "Oooh, I dunno, I feel a bit podgier this week, I'm sure I've put on!  And how about that extra cup of coffee with milk I had on Tuesday morning?!" it turns out that I lose something ridiculous like 4lbs or so.  But when I've been mega-good and Synned like a nun at Lourdes, and thought to myself, "I've been dead good, I must've lost something this week!  I even feel thinner!" I end up either only losing half a pound or putting a bit of weight on or staying the same.  All I'm doing is following the plan exactly as I did on my first week back in January.  At the moment I'm simply aiming to still be the same weight as I was before my epic week of hedonism.  If I get a better result than that then I shall be chuffed, but I really don't want to get my hopes up.  I mean, I've been very good last week and am determined to be just as good this week, so, who knows.  If I can get as close as I can to my 4 stone mark by next Thursday I shall be more chuffed than the chuff of a chuff's chuff.  And we all know how chuffed they are!

Join me later on in the week for my pre-weigh in nervous breakdown.  It's been two weeks since I last went to Fat Club and I'm sure by Wednesdayish I shall be absolutely terrified about getting back on those there scales...  *wibble*

We're Havin' A Heatwave...

...a tropical heatwaaaave... the temperature's risin', it isn't surprisin', I certainly caaaannn...

Ahem.

Sorry.  But this weather's making everything seem a bit weird.  Good GRIEF it's warm.  I mean, 28 degrees Celsius before noon is just ridiculous.  And no, I have no idea what that is in Farenheit!!

I'm sorry for my lack of postings.  It's been one of those weeks.  It's been too hot for anything and my brain really doesn't function too well in hot weather.  I am, after all, English.  I'm not used to May being hot.  It isn't meant to get hot until mid-June for about five days, then constant rain until mid-July, then miserable but hot weather with no air for three or four weeks, then more rain... then a sort of picking up again in September, before a rather nippy Autumn and a bloomin' freezing winter.  This is how Britain works, weather!  Get it right!!

So, anyway, weather aside, I got a little closer to my halfway mark this week by losing 2lbs.  This was a lovely result and I was really pleased with it, but due to the weather it would've simply been cruel of me to ask the llamas to put on a fiesta in celebration.  So I sent them to the local swimming pool armed with armbands, goggles and matching towels for a bit of a frolic and a cool down.  Enrique convinced himself that he came back home with verrucas and athletes hoof, but after a (very brief) examination his hooves all seem fine.  Ricardo made friends with the lifeguard on duty who had never heard of a dancing troupe of llamas before.  Miguel discovered aqua-aerobics.  Everyone had a lovely time.  I stayed in (I can't swim and nobody will ever see me in a swimming costume, ever, not even when I get to a size 14!  Just because I'm not fat still doesn't mean anyone wants to see any more of me than is absolutely necessary and unavoidable!) and had a celebratory brandy or two.  It might've even ben three.  Yes, I think it was.  So, everyone really was happy!

I probably won't hit my halfway target by this Thursday, but that's no big deal really.  It's officially too hot to care about stuff like that!  I should get closer to it, though, and that's the main thing. 

I wore a dress on Sunday.  I admit it probably wasn't the most fashionable thing out there, but the main thing was it wasn't that godawful black maxi dress I'd worn for months when I had need to wear a dress.  It was my mum's, and before you start rolling your eyes, I'd coveted it for quite some time, it's really nice.  I tell you a really weird thing that I may never get used to.  I actually felt really feminine.  I mean I know I'm a girl (the bosoms are quite a giveaway), but being of the larger persuasion the only clothes really available to a person are ones that just cover you and make you look as unobtrusive as possible.  In short, clothes have never made me feel anything other than a sexless blob of nothingness.  But on Sunday I looked in the mirror and even though I probably still looked a fat scruffbag, I actually felt like a woman for the first time actually ever. With curves, as opposed to being one continual curve.  It's a really peculiar feeling, but I liked it.  Probably one I'll never get used to, but it's really helped me to feel even more focussed than ever about getting to the goal.  It's totally going to happen.  This time next year during an unprecedented heatwave I might even have summer clothes in my wardrobe to go to!!  Who knows!!!

Join me again on... well, I'd say Wednesday.  Hopefully Wednesday, but certainly later on in the week.  Dunno what I'll talk about but I'll always find SOMEthing to ramble about!!