Le Gasp!! Il Gaspo!! Die Gazpen!!

Yeah that's right, so shocking I had to say it in French and then translate it into Spanish and German.

The shocks are manifold in this blog entry, so if you're of a nervous disposition I'd recommend changing your knickers now and bringing a spare pair back to the computer with you, just in case.

Firstly... I'm writing a blog entry!

I know, it's been ages.  Well, I had my mojo working - but it just didn't work on slimming.  I ate.  And I drank.  And I was merry.  Well - I may say I was merry, but actually it was just one long stretch of beating myself up for being weak-willed.

Also, it turns out that I am still very addicted to chocolate.  I thought after giving it up for eight months I'd be absolutely fine.  No.  Not at all.  In fact all I want to do with my life is to eat chocolate for breakfast, dinner and tea, give up work and eat my body weight in cocoa-infused products.  It's a dangerous substance. 

Anyway.  I think I'm back on the straight and narrow now.  I said I'd give myself twelve months and it's only been eight so, y'know, I won't give up.

The second shocking revelation in today's blog entry is this... the llamas will be having TWO fiestas today!!!

I know, after weeks and weeks of training, they're finally ready for two fiestas.  The first one is because, two weeks ago - I finally got my 4stone award.  Take it away, chaps...!!

AAARRRRIIIIIIBBBAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ole!!!

*dances round like a mad eejit* Phewf!!

Yeah, that's right, four stone - that's 56lbs to my American pals and 25.4kg to my... metric pals.  It's a small child.  Or at least a substantial percentage of the average adult.  I only got my certificate on the night, they'd run out of shiny stickers, but fear not, I've got my shiny sticker now and it's there, shining proudly on the back of my Slimming World book. 

The second fiesta will come later.

The third shock is this - after nearly two weeks of eating and drinking like an attendee at a Roman banquet, I hopped on the scales last night at Fat Club, and lo and behold, I'd lost a pound!!

I was convinced I'd put at least 10lbs on.  At least 10.  I'd really given it a good go, y'know.  I had chocolate, and doughnuts, and... a lot of booze... and takeaways, and crisps, and basically everything I haven't had in the last eight months!!

In fact, I was so convinced that I'd ruined things for myself that I seriously considered just quitting and carrying on the diet from home.  I was absolutely terrified at the prospect of getting back on the scales.  I knew exactly how much I'd gone off the rails.  Although, to be fair - I've really got Jo to thank that I've got this far anyway, she's an amazing cook and has really kept me on the straight and narrow far more than I realised. 

Thankfully, I had a stern talking-to from various friends and family members, and so last night I trudged down the hill to the Church Hall to hop on the scales.  I dunno if I've mentioned, but the song that always plays in my head when I get on the scales and get a good result is 'You're the Best' by Joe Esposito (the theme tune to The Karate Kid - the real one, not the silly remake).  It was like it was playing in some sort of quadrophonic stereo type capacity when I saw the scales say I'd actually lost weight!!

And now - the FOURTH shock of this blog!!!

The song faded out as the Weighing Lady (I think her name's Natalie but I'm not sure.  I really should find out, shouldn't I, I've been going for eight months!)  started interrogating me about whether I'd been to group last week, or the week before.  I felt a bit guilty but I told her I skipped Fat Club last week and didn't stay to group the week before.  She started mumbling to herself and then asked the Check-In Lady (Dawn) if it was definitely me, and Dawn said that it was, and then after a few moments' conflab between them, the Weighing Lady and I had the following conversation:

WL:  Because, erm, well - you've been named Woman of the Year!
ME:  Oh yeah, right!!  Hahahahaha!!!!!
[awkward pause]
ME:  What, really?!
WL:  Really.
ME:  Me?!
WL:  You.
ME:  [points to self]  ME?!?
WL:  Yes, that's right.
ME:  You mean.... me?!?!!???
WL:  [rolls eyes] Yes, you!!
ME:  Are you sure????  There must be some sort of mistake!!
WL:  No, no, it's you. 
[SPEV gazes off distractedly as the record player in her head starts up again - "You're the best... AROOOOUUND!!  NOTHIN'S GONNA EVER KEEP YOU DOOOWWNNN!!!!"]

Unfortunately, Andrea the Consultant was on holiday, and so I won't know more about it until next week.  I have no idea what it means, but the reports all seem to suggest that I will be getting a certificate, hopefully a shiny sticker and, most excitingly of all - A SASH!!!

That's right, all I'll need is a peaked hat and I could join International Rescue.

So, when I told the llamas, naturally they were all delighted and started leaping about (gambolling, even, I think you could say), doing back flips and Miguel even moonwalked down the street with happiness.  Our Joanna cried.  It was all very exciting.  The latest member of my dancing llama troupe, Pedro, called up one of his 'contacts' and actually arranged a float for the second fiesta!!!  I mean it's only a milk-float but you've got to take what you can get, right?

Without further ado - let's all shake our maracas, shimmy like we've no backbone and roll our Rs in a celebratory Latino fashion!!!!

Waahhooooo!!!!!  *shimmy*  *shake*  *wiggle*  *etc*

I'm amazed and shocked and... well...  Amazed.  I can't believe people actually voted for me.  I didn't think anyone noticed - I mean not even I've noticed!  I hope I don't have to say anything next week.

So, if you've not died of boredom yet, that's basically what's happened over the last couple of weeks, slimming-wise.  It didn't feel as though a lot went on - but clearly, it did!!  Fabulous.

I've got eight weigh-ins left before the Michael Nesmith concert.  I would love to have got my 5 stone award by then, and I'll certainly be working towards it.  I've done it four times before so I don't think it's exactly impossible.  But it'd still be nice to have done it by the time October 29th comes round.

Join me again - next time... whenever that might be.... maybe next week... when I might have something else to say.  Possibly....!!!

Dude, I Feel So Gnarly

I'm pretty sure only one person on earth will get that particular reference.

My apologies for a lack of update on Monday.  I've been poorly.  I've felt, well... gnarly.  Just unnaturally exhausted, all the time.   And dizzy.  So flippin' dizzy.  Kind of like I'm coming down with something but nothing's actually happening.  You know those really annoying vague illnesses that make you feel like all hell but you can't exactly say what's wrong with you.  So tired my fingertips hurt, frequently dizzy and nauseous, weird headaches that feel like my head's trapped in a vice... and I feel a right numpty going to the doctors and saying "I feel lousy, what the chuff's up with me?!"

Nevertheless, I did.  Two days off work and I still felt rubbish.  There was nothing else for it.  Understandably, the doc was as stumped as I was and sent me for blood tests just to make sure my body isn't being taken over by aliens (because that's guaranteed to make anyone feel under the weather) or anything.

I've dragged myself back into work today and typically I feel even worse today than I did yesterday and Monday combined.  What's a girl to do?  If my boss provided sick pay I'd have taken the week off and actually managed to get some proper rest.  Never mind.  I'll live.  I don't think it's possible to actually die of tiredness.  Although if I'm wrong I want Fire by the Crazy World of Arthur Brown to be played at my cremation...

My plan this week is to lose 1 1/2 lbs.  I dunno if I'll do it because, due to the fact I've felt like someone's pulled the plug out on me and replaced all my limbs with lead-lined cement blocks, I've been rather sedentary the last couple of days.  Still, I've been pretty good on the lack of Synning front.  I've been drinking heaps more water than usual and eaten loads of fruit and stuff.  So I should be okay.  I mean 1 1/2 lbs isn't exactly attempting to reach the unreachable.  I mean if I'm being mammothly aspirational I'd like to have lost 8 1/2 lbs by my weigh in on July 5th, which will be my six-monthiversary of starting Slimming World and it will be great to say I've lost 4 stone in six months.  But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, I'll lose it eventually.  I've got just over 4 months before I go to see Michael Nesmith in concert and I should be almost there by then.  At least, I hope so.

Join me again on Friday when I'll bring you all the gossip from Slimming World, including how mum got on during her first week and hopefully news that I've reached my half-way point at last.  The llamas should be on fine form.  Miguel is still tucked up in bed with a hot water bottle, groaning slightly every now and again for effect, but Ricardo's friend Diego said that he'd happily stand in this week while Miguel's recouperating.  I just hope Enrique can teach him the dance routine in time...!!

The Blog Entry With No Name

It's all right, I didn't kill myself on Sunday as envisaged.  I hit the 29 mark, I survived, I made it through, I'm going to continue with living for a little while longer.  After all, I've lost three stone, it'd be a shame to waste it.  I'll just have to be old and deal with it like normal people. 

To combat the ageing blues, I've started a new (not 'new', exactly, more 'revisited' as I've loved this actor for years anyway) and more than likely short-lived cinematic obsession, it'll probably only last a few weeks.  I can't even remember how many Stewart Granger films I've watched over the last three days.  At least six.  I've had a jolly good time doing it, too!!  Did you know - and I certainly didn't, but I love him even more now I do know - his real name is James Stewart, but he had to change his name (he chose a mixture of his surname and his mum's maiden name) to stop him being mixed up with... well... James Stewart, aka my absolute favourite actor of all time!  I mean, there is a resemblence, I suppose, they're both tall and a bit gormless-looking!!  Good ol' Granger - he's like the David Bowie of cinema, but without heterochromia!!  Scaramouche.  Get it watched.  It's a classic. 

I went to a party on Friday night and I wore a dress that I bought from a high street shop.  That's right.  I walked into Dorothy Perkins.  I saw a red dress (it's a constant source of disappointment to my Dad that, although I've been raised a true Evertonian, I love wearing red!).  I thought "Oooh, that's pretty!"  I saw it was very reasonably priced.  I bought it.  I tried it on.  IT.  FITTED.  PERFECTLY.  Seriously.  It's such an achievement I really can't describe how chuffed I was.  I might've still looked a mess, but at least I know that I can buy nice clothes on the high street now.  I still have a long way to go, I know I do - but it was such a great feeling to go out in public wearing clothing that wasn't from the plus-size range!!

However, having said all that - I've decided to have a week off the diet.  Not a going mad and turning into Miss Pacman type week off, but just a week off.  It all started on Saturday.  My lovely friend Clayre-Louyse and her husband, Adam, have moved near me.  This is brilliant.  Clayre and I have been friends for about eight years but we've always lived miles and miles away from each other - now she lives a ten minute walk away!!  Hooraaayyy!!  Anyway, I'd been in work all morning, then gone grocery shopping straight from work and by the time I got to Clayre's at half three, I hadn't eaten anything.  I brought her a packet of biscuits (they always help with unpacking), really nice chocolatey ones, and she offered me one with my brew.  Normally I'd've said no and been strong, but I hadn't eaten anything all day and I hadn't had a biscuit all year, so I accepted.  I instantly thought "Gah, that's it now..." and decided to have a day off.  In fact, I had a monumental day off.  I went to the pub with my sister, had burger and chips and a pint of beer, followed by a chocolate ice-cream sundae, which had huge chunks of brownies in - and the brownies were still warm!!  Oh my goodness!  It was indescribably incredible!!

I really haven't had a huge day off like that yet, so I didn't feel too bad.  But bank holidays are funny things, and I haven't been able to reign it back in as normal.  I've not been spectacularly naughty, I've just not been nearly so strict with myself.  So I'm not going to weigh-in tomorrow.  A week off won't kill me.  I'm still going to get there eventually.  It feels like I've taken a bit of pressure off myself, which has to be a good thing.  I'll get back on it properly and with a vengeance in the next day or so, I promise.  I'm even strongly toying with the idea of joining a gym.  Yes, you read that right.  A gym.  Cross-trainers, rowing machines, all that type of thing.  A real live gym!

For those of you who are huge fans of the llamas - fear not!  They will be out in fine style on Friday anyway, dancing away like things possessed, as I will be dedicating Friday's blog to a review of Nathan's album, which I received on Saturday morning.  I'll tell you all about it then!!

Land of Confusion

Ah, it's Friday!  It means most of us in dear old Blighty will be looking forward to four whole days off work - with pay!  However, it turns out I've got to work tomorrow, so I'll have three whole days off work, which is almost as good.  And the weather has sorted itself out just in time for an epic bank holiday.  Yes, that's right - gone are the sizzling tropical temperatures, the humid air, the old men traipsing round town just wearing a little pair of shorts and socks with sandals (why oh why?!) and the threat of a nice barbecue in the back garden.  The air has regained the usual summertime nippiness we're used to, the skies are a sort of charcoal grey colour and the weather has been, as they call it in Spain (Joanna reliably tells me this, and she's very good at Spanish, so she should know) "El Pissi Downio".  Ah, yes.  British Summertime.  It's back, and I love it.

So, things are going very well.  I'd like to thank Anonymous for their lovely and very encouraging comment from Wednesday's blog.  It turns out that my block lifted quite substantially after that lovely advice and some equally kind and helpful tips from Mr L.  Although I've still not really got a plot together yet, I have indeed made a start on the Western (tentatively entitled The Western With No Name).  Turns out it had no intention of ever being a book, it wanted to be a screenplay all along.  Which in some ways is slightly easier, I'm much better with dialogue than narrative, but even though you only really need minimal narrative for a screenplay I still don't think I have enough.  But I'll come back to it later when I've figured out more of a structure to the story.  My biggest problem is that I want it to be instantly perfect, rather than just acknowledging that the first three or four rewrites are going to be ropey at best before I get it close to being right and writing it anyway.  I bet Joss Whedon didn't write The Avengers perfectly on his first run-through!!

I know what you're thinking.  'She's avoiding the weight-loss topic'.  Well, yes.  I am. 

I put half a pound on.  I have no idea how.  I was doing really well, I'd been dead good, I hadn't cheated (there's no point in cheating because the only person who suffers is me) - I was at least hoping for a couple of pounds' loss.  Maybe even three.  But putting half a pound on?!  What the -?!?!!

Baffled.  Stumped.  Bamboozled.  Flabbergasted.  Discombobulated.  Narked.  All appropriate adjectives to describe my reaction to the number on the scales yesterday.

Enrique was quite relieved I'd put weight on.  He's still convinced he has athlete's hoof from when I sent them swimming last Friday and has taken to his bed with bandages from hoof to fetlock on all four of his little legs.  The rest of the llamas were delighted to have another week off and have all gone on a coach holiday to Blackpool for the weekend.  If you're in the Blackpool area and come across a collective of llamas in gold lamee leg warmers, go and join them, they're a great bunch of lads!!

I mean, things aren't all bad news.  I'm getting smaller.  If I'm honest with myself about my original starting size (i.e. Beyond Huge.  If there was a dress size that could be renamed "AY CHIHUAHA!!" that'd probably be where I was!), I've actually lost three dress sizes already and I'm probably only another stone away from hitting the fourth.  So actually I've not done at all badly.  It's just one of those things.  Maybe it was just the way I held my gob when I stood on the scales.  Who knows.  I'm lots thinner than I was, and that's a fact.  I just need to be... you know.  Thinner than this.  And I will be.  This time in three months I might've lost another two sizes and then I'll be very nearly almost there.

You know what it'll involve, of course.  I've been threatening it and then putting it off since January, but I am actually going to have to... I can't even bring myself to say it.  You know, though.  And I know.  It's got to be done, there's truly nothing else for it.  I have plans and extremely good intentions, I just have no willpower!!  I hate running, walking round an industrial estate is no fun, and I'm just not disciplined enough to attempt any form of E***cise at home!!  Gah!!  That blasted E word.  Why is it never fun?!  If I could do the E word and not notice I was doing it, that'd be brilliant!

Ho hum.

Join me next Wednesday, if you don't mind.  I'll be taking Monday off due to the Bank Holiday and I'll probably still be in a very dark state of depression following my birthday on Sunday.  I get SO depressed on my birthday, there's literally no point in even acknowledging my existence, you'll only end up similarly suicidal!  I don't want to be old!  Don't make me!!  Nooooo!!!  PETER PAN NEVER HAD TO DO IT!!!

I dread to even think how I'll cope next year when I hit the big Three-Oh...!!  *shudder*

Turned Out Nice Again

So.  It's all been a bit boring this week, as previously documented.  I've still not overeaten.  I still can't really be bothered having any treats.  Nothing exciting has happened. 

I went to Fat Club last night all full of the joys of winter, hunching my shoulders and generally looking and feeling a bit miserable.  I didn't feel any thinner, and Bridget the star slimmer (9lbs last week, two stone in two weeks last month.  The woman's a lean, mean slimming machine.  And she's hilarious!) only lost 1lb.  Things weren't really looking good.  All I wanted was to lose 1 1/2lbs to get me to the 2 1/2 stone mark, but I felt increasingly conscious that it probably wouldn't happen.

So, imagine my confusion, if you will, when I stepped on the scales and discovered I'd lost a whopping FIVE POUNDS!!!

Shocked?  I had to read it six or seven times and then get the lady at the scales to read it for me and to help me out with the maths!!!

Enrique has been up all night working on the llamas' celebratory dance, so without further ado... HIT IT, CHAPS!!!

*dances round the room like a mad eejit, Ted*

So, yes, I got my 2 1/2 stone certificate and (most importantly) shiny sticker.  I'm now 3 1/2 lbs away from my 3 stone certificate and shiny sticker.  However, last night, for the first time, I also got a Slimmer of the Week certificate and shiny sticker, and a huge bag full of free food for the week.  Very exciting.  I don't know if it's standard practice in all Slimming World groups, but in our group everyone takes an item of free food (fruit, veg, a packet of super noodles etc) and puts it into a basket and whoever gets Slimmer of the Week takes home the contents of the basket.  I'm rubbish because I always forget.  I have a terrible memory at the best of times and it's all I can do to remember my book, my member card and my fee!!

I will soon be able to wallpaper my bedroom with my certificates.  In fact, eventually, I might just do that in a sort of 'You've done this and it was hard work but you did it and you are NOT going back!' reminder type capacity.

Andrea the Consultant also had reason to celebrate, as she is now officially the top consultant in the North West, beating the Walton-le-Dale group both by the size of the group and the success rate of the club members.  So a huge round of applause for Andrea.  She's a good egg.  It's her two-year anniversary of starting her own group in three weeks, so we're going to have a party at the group in celebration.  Exciting!!  She asked what I'd done differently this week and I told her it was all my sister's hard work.  Joanna is the world's most amazing cook and she makes the most gorgeous Syn-Free meals every night, and usually enough to take some for lunch the next day.  But the thing that's changed our entire lives has been the investment in a rice-maker.  We've had rice nearly every night, with all sorts of crazy stuff in.  It's been amazing.  She makes this prawn, chilli, ginger and garlic savoury rice dish which I could happily eat for the rest of my life.  Honestly.  She's amazing.  If you haven't had the pleasure of a meal cooked by the big sister - you're really missing out!!

On another note, today is my last day of working in the office upstairs.  My temporary boss bought me a bottle of Midnight Fantasy by Britney Spears (don't laugh.  It's awesome.  It smells like Skittles!  It's no Just Her by Roberto Cavalli, or Black XS for Her by Paco Rabanne, I grant you, but still!!) and a lovely card to say thank you for my help over the last six months, not that I've done a great deal, to be fair, but it was really sweet of them.  And they're taking me to the Clog and Billycock for lunch (hands up anyone who didn't know a billycock was a hat! *raises both hands and a leg*) - which is a Northcote restaurant in the Ribble Valley - and it would be simply rude if I went there and didn't completely obliterate my diet!!!  They fry the chips in dripping!  The steaks are bigger than me!  They do home made ice cream... with cream!!!!  I'm even going to have beer - I think they do Wainwrights there!!

So, today I will be giving myself a long-awaited day off.  I've done pretty well over the last four months and I'm having a proper day off to celebrate.  I'll reign it back in like mad for the rest of the week, and I did start off quite well today with a fruit salad and a few mugs of green tea - but this afternoon it will be a diet-free zone.  I'm so excited!!!

I've got a rather busy weekend ahead with one thing and another, so join me again on Monday when I'll give you a bit of an update on the weekend and look forward, vaguely confidently, to a hopefully successful weigh-in on Thursday!!