Ou est tu allez en vacance?

Oddly, that's one of the first phrases I ever really picked up in French.  Which is a bit of a silly thing to say to a complete stranger when you're on your holidays.  Although if anyone wants to know how old I am, it's all right, I've got it covered - j'ai onze ans.

So anyway, I'm actually in actual France.  I'm not too sure what I expected from this country.  I expected French people, definitely.  I expected it to be a bit bigger than the UK.  So, thus far in the list, all my expectations have been met - and, to a certain extent, exceeded, due to the fact it's huge.

I'm staying with my sister, who has owned two houses out here for the last ten years and lived here for the last four years.  This is my first time in France and yes, that does make me a terrible sister.  Luckily for me, I have baked brownies and lemon drizzle cake today so I'm possibly nearly on my way to being forgiven by both the sister and The Brother-in-Law (capitalisation is, in this instance, correct, due to him being the definitive article of brothers-in-law and generally one of the most amazing chaps you could ever wish to meet) for having avoided their house like the plague for so many years. 

I have often described their abode (as I have been able to piece certain aspects of their life out here together by means of stories from everyone else who's been out here) as 'halfway up a mountain in the middle of nowhere'.  To be honest, it was a rather accurate description.  I mean, in fairness, you cannot fault the scenery, it's rather incredible.  Seven whole days of chilling out surrounded by people I love and something akin to the most beautiful parts of British countryside (think of Pitlochry and the Ribble Valley and the Lake District and Snowdonia all mixed into one and timesed by a hundred) but on a much bigger scale - I mean, it's not a bad life, is it!

I must say, before I go any further, that I am in love with Paris.  I briefly passed through the city on my way from one train station to another, but I felt that same tingle of excitement run down my spine and the same, almost overwhelming urge to leap out of the taxi and go off on an adventure as I did the first time I went to London.  I must return one day for a proper adventure.  Anyone who wishes to volunteer as my partner in crime can apply to the usual address.  Seriously.  Let's go.  It'll be ace.

Speaking of taxis - we made a bit of a faux-pas (see, I'm fluent already) in Paris when getting into a taxi.  Those familiar with Paris will probably have already guessed and are laughing at our idiocy, but let me tell you - it was the highlight of my journey!!  We had already  been on four different trains since 8a.m. (it was 4p.m. French time by the time we got off the train in Paris) and Jo had had a couple of little panic attacks, and we'd shared a table from London to Paris with a pair of hippies who gave hippies a bad name - and not only that, took all the leg room - so by the time we arrived in Paris, my head was done in, Jo's nerves were a wreck, and all I wanted to do was get on the last blasted train and get to Michelle's house.  That was the plan.

My very rusty French was the only thing that we had been reliant on, and I was convinced that even I could manage to say to a taxi driver "Le gare Bercy, s'il vous plait."  Ha! 

I had been pre-warned by Michelle that occasionally, there might be an obnoxious Parisian taxi-driver who would pretend not to understand me as I'd probably still be speaking with an English accent, so imagine my surprise when a silver fox strode purposefully towards the sister and I and asked where we needed to go - in English!  You know one of those people who are strikingly good-looking and even though you don't fancy them you feel a bit intimidated by them?  He was like that, he looked like a film star.  I told him we needed to go to Paris Bercy.  He said he'd take us.  We agreed a sum of money and off we went.  He was possibly THE most polite person I have ever met.  He opened the car doors for us, wouldn't let us handle our own bags, I mean, the works.  'Piggin' 'ell, dunno what our Shell's going on about, he's a very nice chap!' I stupidly thought to myself.

It wasn't until we got in we realised we'd actually hired a limo..................

Still.  Complimentary drinks and snacks AND soft trad jazz the whole journey - it was worth it.  But for future reference, apparently it should only cost between 15 and 20 Euros to get from Paris Nord to Paris Bercy in a taxi.  Not 80.

For those of you worried about how I'm coping on The Diet in France, I'm pleased to inform you that everything is still going swimmingly and I've been very good indeed.  Apart from yesterday, which was the actual date of Mum and Dad's anniversary.  We went to a restaurant for a... I dunno... seventy-six course meal - or at least that's what it still feels like.  I noshed like a good'un.  And they were so lovely.  The next to last course was the cheese course and they brought a trolley laden with all sorts of cheeses - and trust me, it stank to high heaven.  I hate cheese, and I couldn't bring myself to even attempt it just to be polite, the sight of it makes me feel a bit poorly - so they brought me a huge fruit platter.  I've never liked strawberries until yesterday - they were incredible.  I would've munched my way through the lot if it hadn't been for the fact I knew there was one more course to go... 

Finally, the dessert trolley arrived.  Oh, and I made up there for any cheese I didn't eat earlier on!  I really did!  Three desserts!!  A tarte au citron, which was melt-in-the-mouth fabulous, some sort of caramelly nutty... thing... that I could happily have eaten for the rest of my life - until the chocolate mousse.  Holy moly.  I can still taste it.  Hell's teeth.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever had in my life.

I've been very very good apart from that though, and in fact, I'm still quite full from yesterday, although I did manage a mushroom omelette for lunch today.  I've been for one monumental walk, and have had huge plans of more, but they just haven't come to fruition yet.  Still - I'm not going home until Wednesday so I've got plenty of time for all that sort of thing!!

I shall tell you more about my adventures when I get back.  I might be able to update again while I'm over here but don't hold me to that!!  There's still tonnes to tell you, such as my amazing discovery in the video cabinet, the discovery of Reggie Perrin and my new Superhero Psychology textbook!!

I got a postcard from the llamas, by the way.  They're all having a lovely time and Ricardo thinks he's found a new recruit for the dance troupe... more on that next time!!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Yes, I know, I'm leaving on a series of trains, but you get the general idea.

The last time I left the UK was in 2006, I think.  My friend Clayre-Louyse and I went to Norway for 24 hours.  We wanted to do something a bit different and Ryanair had flights going for £1.99 per person each way.  It would've been rude to not take advantage of that!  I think the last real live actual holiday I went on that didn't involve being somewhere because I had something to do and somewhere to go was in 2003 when I went to America for a fortnight that turned into three weeks because of the snow.  So... yeah.  I think a holiday is somewhat overdue! 

I know you're probably all a bit worried about the llamas.  After all, they do work very hard all week training for the Big Fiesta of a Friday, and if I leave them for a week with no food and drink they might waste away.  Well.  Fear not.  The boys are off on their holidays too.  Tomorrow, they are all jetting off to Magaluf for a week of well-earned R&R.  Ricardo has packed his shocking pink leg-warmers for nights out and fluorescent green ones for lounging by the pool with a pina colada.  Miguel can't wait to buy himself a new sombrero after one of the twins, Pedro, accidentally ate his old one.  Enrique is, frankly, on the verge of a nervous breakdown as he has made checklists of checklists for all the things they need to remember.  He must have checked all the llama passports at least five times already this morning.  No wonder he's so short - it's all the stress, it must have stunted his growth.

When they get back though, they'll be straight back in training!!  As will I!  I've still got a shedload of weight to lose, and I don't see why being on holiday should necessarily mean that I have to undo all the hard work I've done over the last ten weeks.  I mean I'll definitely have a few more drinkypoops than usual (I am particularly excited about having my first beer of 2012 while I'm away - I can almost taste the Kronenburg already!) and it'd be unfair not to have a smidgen of something yummy from the patisserie - but there's still no need to go crazy and reprise my previous role in life as Miss Pacman just because I'm not going to Fat Club on Thursday.  I'm aiming to lose a minimum of 3lbs but I'm hoping to get as close to losing 6lbs over the next two weeks as I can (which isn't impossible and I have done it before).  August is getting closer by the day and I don't want to let the side down by ruining things for myself when I've really only just started.  I've just got things to do.  Big things.  Food can't get in the way of my plans - I've made too many of them!!

I can't promise any blog entries while I'm away - although I can promise that I'll try to update at least once.  I'm really looking forward to France now.  I was unsure about it at first, but now I'm longing to take some lovely long walks in the countryside, taking in the view, hopefully getting inspired to do a bit of writing - the landscape of Leyland really isn't conduicive to a great deal of inspiration, I won't lie. 

That's right, France.  I'm ready for you.  Just hope the feeling's mutual!!

I have no news to report of the weekend's activities.  The big sister and I were so pooped after a long and stressful week that we were reduced to gibbering wrecks by Friday and did pretty much chuff all over the weekend, despite our valiant plans of cleaning and packing.  However, Jo did teach me how to make a proper spaghetti bolognese last night.  I was quite proud of myself.  It was actually edible.  It's weird that, although I can bake one hell of a cake - I find cooking savoury food to be completely baffling, unless it's a full English breakfast.  Which is most unfortunate because it turns out that you can't actually live on cake and full English breakfasts.  Trust me.  I've tried!!

So, this is it - the penultimate English blog of the month.  Jo and I will be catching the eight o'clock train from Leyland on Wednesday morning.  We should just be arriving in London this time in 48 hours.  Whatever you're all up to over the next ten days, I hope you all have a lovely time.  Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.  I will miss you all very much indeed - but don't worry, I shall be back with Ricardo and the boys a week on Friday, hopefully with some good news from Fat Club.  If not, it won't be from a lack of trying, that's for sure!

The Last Time

Welcome, one and all, to the final Wednesday blog of the month!!
I'm travelling to France next Wednesday for a family shindig - and yes, it will take all day.  We're going by train, so it'll take between ten and eleven hours.  Sheesh.  The following Wednesday, I will be travelling home.  I will probably be able to update the blog while I'm in France, maybe, possibly - but after Monday's blog I can't guarantee much on the updating front until 30 March.

So, as it is the last Wednesday blog of the month, I suppose I'd best find something monumental to tell you.

Erm.

........ Umm.........

... Nah, I got nuthin'.

Good progress has been made on the script.  Which is quite fortunate considering that the deadline is a week today.  Luckily I have a genius and all-round good egg looking over it and contributing greatly to the content and layout - so I think between us we will make a writing team as strong as Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, or Terry Jones and Michael Palin, or Caroline Quentin and.... that other fella...  Don't worry, folks, when we're famous, we'll still remember you.  Whoever you are.

I'm feeling much more chipper today - I thought I would do.  I think a large part of it is to do with the fact I did manage to complete my first re-write of the script.  I think after hearing about Davy Jones, stupid as it sounds, my head was a bit screwed up.  Not in an 'I need therapy' type way or anything nearly so drastic, just in a 'Oh.  Right.  Well.  I don't know if I remember how to be funny, now' type way.  Just, y'know.  Well.  It came as a shock to everyone, didn't it?  But I did have visions of the deadline passing me by and me just beating myself up endlessly over it.  Even though the Beeb are always on the lookout for unsolicited sitcom scripts and I could feasibly have sent it to them any time - I think the Dawn French factor in this particular competition really made me want to make an extra effort.  So, even though I know it isn't finished yet, I'm a lot more confident that it will be finished by the deadline and we can still enter the competition together.  It feels like an achievement already.

Dieting is still going the same way as before.  I haven't done much walking this week, partly because I got a bit put off the idea on Sunday and partly because I'm just shattered this week, it's been ungodly stressful at work and my head's a bit mashed - the last thing I feel like I've got the energy for is a 7a.m. stroll to and from the little Tesco at the bottom of the hill!!  I'll work something out, though.  I'll get back on it.  I don't feel remotely thinner this week and I feel as though I might've put a little weight on but I know why and I'm not too worried.  I'm not going to fat club next week so I've got two weeks to sort myself out and hopefully get even closer to my 2 stone certificate and my Club 10 certificate, which are only 3lbs apart.  I want it to be Shiny Stickers A Go-Go when I get back into that slimming club!!!

Join me again on Friday, when hopefully the llamas will be out in full force and having a good old boogie in celebration of me losing some sort of weight... but don't hold your breath - I certainly won't be!!