"Not now, Zsa Zsa..."

Although SpevLand has seen a few high-tension dramas over the last two days, by and large I had a rather pleasant weekend.  I hope you did, too - and may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a very happy Monday!

It all started on Friday, when, I managed to, without breaking the new eating regime in any way, have a Chinese takeaway AND a double Bacardi and Coke Zero for my tea!!  I don't even know how that works, but I'm really glad that it does!  I bet you'd not get to have takeaway AND booze with no guilt on Weight Watchers - and you *definitely* wouldn't get it on LighterLife!!  I made a point of texting this exciting news to my namesake, Auntie Heather, who is my Diet Lama - like the Dalai Lama but prettier and with nicer shoes - she's full of fabulously encouraging words of wisdom to keep me going on this mission.  She's also on Slimming World and looks more slender and gorgeous every time I see her!!

Honestly, if this is the way it's going to be from now on - dieting rocks!!

On Saturday I went clothes shopping.  Well.  Obviously, I didn't buy any clothes at all, I merely escorted my pal Helena while she bought lovely clothes and stuff for her impending Australian Adventures, and I must say I think I managed to help her spend her money very wisely.  She will thank me for those canvas-soled platform shoes when she's partying like a celeb in Melbourne!!  If you have never met Helena, well - that's your luck out.  Not only is she one of my most cherished of pals, she's absolutely stunning.  I don't just say this in a 'you have to say your friends are pretty because they're your friends' kind of way.  It's true. She looks like a little Bohemian pixie princess, all cheeky smiles, twinkling green eyes and skipping joyfully through life, sprinkling magic and happiness upon all those she meets.  And, good grief, that girl knows how to shop!!

Normally, the very thought of clothes shopping would make me break out into a cold sweat and run to the nearest Aldi in order to buy (and then devour) approximately my entire body weight in scrummy European chocolate.  If you stuck me in a CD/DVD shop and left me there, I would be totally at home. You could quite feasibly even let me loose in a cosmetic shop with a huge perfume section and I wouldn't really feel too out of place.  Going into clothing shops?  That is an activity strictly for average sized people. In this modern age of the so-called 'obesity pandemic' I find this a little unfair, but it's obviously a good way to con the larger person into trying to shrink a bit.

Fashion simply does not exist for women who are larger than a size 18 (I'm unaware of the problems for the larger-circumferenced male, but I'm sure there are similar issues).  In fact, you're still struggling at a size 18, which is why I'm aiming for a 14.  My goal is basically to go into a clothes shop and not buy anything because a) I can't afford to or b) I don't like anything, rather than simply walk past said shop snarling in anger at the fact I will never wear be thin enough to wear pretty clothes.  It is, of course, possible to buy clothes for the larger figure, but they're all glorified sacks.  I'm not some sort of hippy - I have no desire to wear a kaftan.  I'm a self-confessed Ticket - in that my heart will always belong to Modernism but I prefer to dress like a beat girl.  The other thing that winds me up about so-called plus size 'fashion' is that all the labels have ridiculously patronising names to them, like 'Inspire' or 'True' or... something.  Why is this?!  Just put the size in the collar (in very small writing) and leave it at that.  As if fat people don't feel segregated enough in society as it is, clothing manufacturers seem to think we need to be outcast even further by only having one tiny segment of the shop  (oh, the bitter irony!) at the far left corner to find something as non-ugly as possible; and for that segment to be called something that they think is a bit empowering!!  Just call it "Fat Clothes" or "Non-Maternity" or "Rent-a-Tent" and be done with it!! 

Anyway, Helena is very nearly as excited as I am at the prospect of me eventually looking like a person rather than a Weeble - so we decided that we would find clothes for her and also look for the type of clothes that I might wear when that longed-for time of 'Thinner' finally arrives.  Gosh, there was so much 60s-style clothing out there - it was all very exciting.  We both fell in love with one yellow dress that was too tiny for either of us.  We got very excited about purple shift dresses and red jeans with white ruffly shirts - and I very nearly almost took a dress home with me.  It was a red shift dress with a little pleat at the front, a red bow in the middle and a Peter Pan collar.  It may as well have been labelled "Spev".

This time next year, I shall go into a shop, look at a dress like that, and take it home, knowing that it will fit me right away and that I don't have to spend months gazing at it longingly and wishing myself thin.

The thing that really made my day, though, was going into a cosmetic shop and finding Wonder Woman makeup.  Yes.  That's right.  Superhero makeup.  For women.  That's what I'm talking about.  It's like MAC Cosmetics know me.  They've just brought out a Miss Piggy range too.  Superheroes, Muppets and makeup.  Does life get any more sublime?!

Look at me, getting all girly over lippy.  Well, it's about time, I guess...!

Join me on Wednesday, when I might update about the book.  I mean, I might not, like.  Irene's gone back to the Bahamas and I'm left with a lovestruck private investigator, a decapitated body with no fingertips and a member of CID who could murder a pint.  It's a very real problem.